This has been a rough week/month/season for me. I decided in January to take the LSAT on June 16th and probably attend law school in the Fall of 2009. This decision, in itself, was momentous for me and I'm still coming to grips with it (if you talk to me about it, I'll still equivocate and act like it depends on the LSAT). I don't know why that is, but I think it is helping to contribute to my current frustrations.
Since I decided to take up the LSAT as my secondary occupation, I have felt a sudden lack of progress in my life and almost a letdown following a very important set of personal revelations. It's only getting worse this week as the countdown has reached T-minus one month until the big test and I've progressed only a few points since I started studying six months ago. Where is this test going to take me? Can my goals survive a disappointing test score? What do I know about being a lawyer?
This time of waiting has allowed a strong sense of self-doubt to creep back into my life. I am trying my best to stem this tide and prohibit it from seeping into my personal life, but I'm afraid that I am failing miserably at that too. It is during these times where I really wish that I believed in pre-destination. I wish that God forced us down a particular, well-lit path through a beautiful safe neighborhood. It doesn't quite work out that way, however. I feel like instead of that path, I'm standing still, in a dark room with a small distant light in the distance.
I don't believe in limbo either, but, I can now understand what it feels like to spend time there. I will keep praying for patience and for guidance and I ask for yours' as well. I have faith that, with God's help, I will get out of this rut and my path will become clearer after my test, but in the meantime, I must keep my eyes on that light and keep moving my legs towards it.
1 comment:
Limbo. I so understand that! But I don't believe in predestination either, as much as I'd like to. What I do believe is that there isn't always a right path and a wrong path. Sometimes there's just a better one, sometimes there's a best one, and we just need to pick one. This is good news and bad news. Bad news: having to pick is hard, and thinking that one path is right and one is wrong sometimes makes it easier. But life isn't black and white like that. Good news: Whatever happens, whatever you choose, God can work it out for the good. I'll be praying for you as you work out what you want to be doing next, Joe!
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